"5 Tips for Parents: How to Talk with our Kids about Texas' Mass Shooting"
/How to Talk with Our Kids about the Mass Shooting at Apalachee High School
The horrific events that recently transpired at Apalachee High School in Georgia are every parents nightmare - senseless violence towards innocent lives is truly heartbreaking. As parents, we are left to deal with the ripple effect of this tragedy - the impact that it has on our children.
For parents of younger children, this may be the first time having to explain the unexplainable - why do bad things happen to good people? Sadly parents of teens have had a lot of practice processing similar events over the last few years but it doesn’t seem to get easier.
1.) Preparation/Gather Your Own Feelings
The first tip doesn't even involve parents talking to children - but it might actually be the most difficult one. Sitting with our own feelings can be extremely uncomfortable. In doing so, we sometimes feel our own vulnerability and a lack of control. As parents, it is much easier to “take control” by putting systems into place without processing the emotion. We tend to act before we feel. Sometimes avoiding feeling intense feelings such as sadness can backfire when we actually sit down to talk with our kids. We will need to be in touch with our emotions because the way we handle the situation will greatly impact the way they do.
2.) Ask the Worlds Expert On Your Child
Routinely, when I meet for with parents of one of my patients for the first time I remind them that they are the “Worlds Expert on Their Child.” I challenge them “Don’t for two seconds think that I am suddenly going to know more about your child after a 75 minute intake than you do, having cared for him/her/them day after day.” As parents we are equipped with knowing that best time and place to deliver information to our children. Is there a room that's particularly comforting for them? Would they do better out on a walk in nature? In general, we should avoid bringing it up before bed as it may generate worry that interrupts sleep and given that the child is already tired, the executive function area of the brain may be to exhausted to process the difficult emotions. Parents also have a good understanding of their children’s developmental stage and understanding of death. Believe it or not the finality of death is not fully consolidated until later in elementary school years. Younger kids at a funeral may see a dead body and think their loved one is sleeping. Their thought process is much more concrete and unable to capture the meaning of abstract statements such as “Grandma is in a better place, she's gone upstairs with God.” If Grandma has gone upstairs with God, a child’s rational mind assumes she might easily walk back down the steps and rejoin us at some point.
3.) Don’t Avoid It - Ask Their Understanding of Events
Many parents feel that bringing it up is going to cause more harm than good. If we were able to live in a vacuum, then perhaps this approach would work. However, in all likelihood, it is something that friends will discuss, school staff may bring up, or worse they may see on media outlets. We as parents benefit when we are one step ahead of the game and are able to imprint the first impression of the event. Moreover, it’s important to ask. I think back to a story that I learned about during my psychiatric training. My supervisor was a child and adolescent psychiatrist practicing at the time of 9/11. Following the aftermath of the twin towers falling, she had volunteered to answer calls to help children process the trauma. She received a call from a distressed child hiding under a table in his home, worried about all of the buildings falling down on TV. As she explored the child's understanding, she found that the repeated footage of the planes crashing into the towers from multiple different angles were misinterpreted as continuous strikes into buildings throughout the United States. This child's perception was that the US had been under attack for nearly a week. It's a prime example to show how important it is to find out what our child's understanding of traumatic events are, and gives us an opportunity to help them correctly process the information. We want to allow them to express their feelings and recognize that we as parents are human too. If we get sad or emotional, it’s ok to model this vulnerability to our children as an appropriate way to grieve.
4.) Don’t Overdisclose Information
Think of disclosing information as varying security levels. Our children are on a need to know basis but don’t need to know ALL of the horrific details. For the youngest kids, keep it short and simple. They need to know that something bad happened and it was really sad. It will be helpful for a child to know that the bad person is not going to be able to hurt anyone else, especially them. It’s worthwhile recognizing that elementary school children were the victims in this tragedy, which may increase the impact of this particular mass shooting on our elementary school-aged children. We may hear many different questions (possibly more than any other demographic), but the answer should always include reassurance that our child is going to be OK. Tweens and teens can handle more of the information but be mindful to avoid giving any attention to the shooter. A major way of ensuring that information is not over disclosed is limiting access to electronics. When in doubt, highlighting any positive stories (ie heroic police efforts, communities rallying support for families, etc).
5.) Regain Control by Being a Part of the Healing Process.
Finally, the best way to talk with our kids is to end on a positive note. The initial portion of our conversation will likely bring up uncomfortable feelings of sadness, fear, and uncertainty. Providing reassurance, clarification and hope is an important part of our talk. In these times where it feels like there is nothing that can be done and no way to avoid the incomprehensible violence, it's important for parents and children to outline some things that we can do to control the situation. Religious families may find it helpful to pray together. Others may rally support with community engagement and awareness – thereby attempting to prevent such acts from occurring in the future. It is essential to maintain our child's usual schedule, as this is yet another way of controlling environment and allowing for things to go on as expected. Maintaining family routines, such as regular walks together, reasserts that things will be fine (and also helps the body better process the trauma). Over time, your children will get the message that their lives can go on “as usual” despite this horrific and unexpected event.
About the Author:
Dr. Mark Novitsky is a dual board-certified child and adolescent psychiatrist and adult psychiatrist practicing in the Philadelphia suburbs down the street from Longwood Gardens in Chadds Ford, PA. He is a “therapy-first & medicine as a last resort psychiatrist.” Dr. Mark is an expert in genetic testing which allows him to offer treatment plans to minimize the use of medication, and when needed eliminate the guessing-game that comes with choosing a psychiatric medication. Dr. Mark is a firm believer in therapy - specifically CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and aims for patients to learn the skills to become their own therapist to navigate the challenges life brings us.
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